And Now...It Begins....

The wedding was four months off when the coughing started, strong deep coughs that hurt his chest, bringing up some blood with hard yellow phlegm and leaving him physically spent for hours after they subsided. Patrick had known what was the cause before the doctor was finished taking the blood from his arm.

The time in the waiting room dragged on interminably, until the doctor, his face set like slate, come out, bent down towards Patrick and murmured, "Let's go into my office for a few minutes." The doctor sat down behind his desk and put his hands together, forming a steeple with his fingers. "Patrick, we have detected the HIV antibodies in your blood, and the low levels of T-cells in your blood samples lead me to believe that you have been HIV+ for quite some time. The words were not a complete surprise, but the doctor might as well have been a judge handing
down the death penalty.

Silence fell over the room as Patrick sat there, his body bent forward, looking more at the floor than at the doctor in front of him. "How long?", Patrick whispered, his voice cracking, determined as he was not to become too emotional.

"What was that?", the doctor asked, not hearing Patrick's question.

"How long do you think....?" Patrick's voice trailed off in the middle of the question, as he looked up at the doctor.

"Well," the doctor shrugged, "If we had found out earlier, we could have maybe gotten you on a drug cocktail that could have kept your T-cell count high and begin to reduce your HIV viral load."

"Dude, " Patrick asked, "I didn't ask for a shoulda, coulda, woulda scenario, I asked how long I have to live as I am." Patrick swallowed hard, his throat burning from the effort, and his mouth tasting of bile.

The doctor looked at Patrick, a slight frown on his face, he obviously hated this part of his job and would easily trade this duty for four straight shifts in the ER during a disaster. "As you are on no drugs geared towards extending your life, I would say that you have, as you are, three, maybe four months to live. That time may be
extended if we start you on some medication today and keep a close guard on your health status."

The laugh was unexpected, but it felt good, almost cleansing, so Patrick let it continue, laughing harder and harder and louder until he could barely breath and his chest was heaving so hard that his throat started to tickle and he knew the coughing was about to begin. He wasn't sure when the laughing turned into crying, but the next thing he knew the doctor had gotten up, grabbed a moist towel and was leaning over Patrick, holding it against his head and holding him in his arms.

"It's all right, man, just go ahead and let it out, " the doctor held him tightly rocking him back and forth tears falling gently from both their eyes.

The walk home and the next two weeks all seemed to melt together and Patrick seemed to be just going through the motions of living. He had called a hospice and gotten that all straightened away and then made arrangements for his burial and gotten his will all straightened away, now he had to tell his family and his lover Mike.

He went into the living room and grabbed the wedding invite to his sisters' wedding and took it into the bedroom where his boyfriend Mike lay watching the television.

"Hey cutie", Mike said, looking up "What's up?? Why have you been so funked out?"

Patrick looked down and started to cry, he just couldn't stop himself.

"What!?!" Mike said, jumping up and holding onto him. "What's the matter?"

"I'm dying." Patrick sobbed, "I'm dying."

"We're all gonna die someday.", Mike said, trying to calm his lover down.

"NO!", Patrick cried, "I went to the doctor and he said I'll be dead before August."

"What?", Mike said, "No, this isn't right, not you." Mike began to cry. "I love you", he said.

Patrick looked up and said, "I love you too. I think that is the first time you've ever said it first."

Mike smiled, "I like to wait for just the right moment, I am a drama queen."

At this, Patrick looked at his lover and giggled, Mike giggled back and they both giggled some more and shook their heads.

"Well, what do we do now?", Mike asks, the somber mood returning with full force.

"I have made all the preparations for myself and you should be taken care of as well." Patrick replied, "I am having the house signed over to your name and I have you down as the beneficiary in my life insurance."

"That's not what I meant Patrick!" Mike snapped, hurt by his lovers' thoughtfulness. "What do you want to do now...us, I mean...what's going to happen to us?"

"It's halfway up to you", Patrick said, "you can leave me if you don't want to be around me when I get sick or we can live it out together till I have to go to the hospice."

Mike twitched, his head moving slightly as if the words hurt his ears as much as they did his heart, "Leave you?? I would never leave you, that isn't what I meant. I love you now and I will always love you."

Mike and Patrick hugged and spent a few moments quietly embracing. "Have you told your folks?" Mike asked nervously, as if Patrick's mother would walk in at any time and take him away.

"Not yet, I don't want to mess up my sister's wedding." Patrick replied.

"Are you going to go to the wedding?" Mike asked.

"If I live that long, it is still several months away. I am supposed to find a song to play for my dance with my sister." Patrick smiled. "I want you to go", Patrick said, "whether I live to go as well or not, that way you can dance with her in my place."

"I dunno...." Mike said uncertainly.

"Please, please go to the wedding." Patrick whispered, the tears starting again and the realization began to dawn on Mike that Patrick would not, short of a miracle, be around for the wedding."

Two months had passed and Patrick's health slowly began to deteriorate. Patrick almost never went out in public, instead choosing to take small walks around the yard of the house. Patrick had finally decided on a song for his sister's wedding, and brought out the CD to play for Mike.

"What song is it, again?", Mike asked as Patrick put the CD in the tray of the player and started it.

"I decided between NSYNC's "God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You" and 98 Degrees' "I Do", I chose NSYNC, cause I like them a lot and the song is really beautiful.", Patrick replied as he pressed the play button.

As the song played out, Mike looked over at Patrick and was stunned at the look of hopelessness and sadness on his face. Mike walked over and hugged Patrick from behind, squeezing him gently but firmly.

As the song ended, Mike kissed Patrick on the side of the neck and whispered tenderly, "I can't wait to see you dance with her at the wedding. I bought the plane tickets to the wedding today."

Patrick smiled and turned around, hugging Mike tightly.

Later that night, Mike grabbed all of the Teen Beat magazines that Patrick had bought with NSYNC on the cover and sat down and read them cover to cover. Finally, on the last magazine, Mike found what he was looking for and
proceeded to write down the information. Mike sat up late that night, composing a letter that he hoped would bring about the miracle that would get Patrick to live to see his sister's wedding.

(the letter)

To The Guys In *NSYNC:

Hello. My name is Mike Roberts. I am writing this letter to you to ask you guys for assistance. I know that you guys are busy touring and recording, but one of your biggest fans needs your help. His name is Patrick Morrow, and he is my lover. He was diagnosed with AIDS two months ago, his health is deteriorating, and he was given only a few months to live. He loves your music and has chosen your song, "God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You", as the song that he and his sister are to dance to at her wedding in August.

However, he is very upset about his illness and it seems that his will to live is fading as quickly as his health. If he doesn't stay strong, mentally and physically, I don't think he'll live long enough to see August. I know it's a lot to ask, but if you could write a letter to him, send a card, or call him and chat for a few minutes, it might be the difference between him living to see this wedding and it being called off on account of his funeral.

Please help him....I will do anything...give you anything I have, if you could find a way to help him. I know that you get a lot of fan requests and all, but this is truly a matter of life and death.

Please....

Thank You,

Mike Roberts
917 East Rosemary Street
Chapel Hill, North Carolina 27514
(919) 967-0185

Mike addressed the envelope with the address he found in the magazine and mailed it off the next morning, saying a prayer as he dropped it off at the post office.

Six weeks passed and the wedding was less than a month away. Patrick lay in bed, weak, he felt too tired to move. Lately, he had begun to sleep more, and his energy seemed to be ebbing away. As he sat up in bed, the phone began to ring. He reached over and grabbed the phone.

"Hello?", Patrick said.

"Hello....is this Patrick or Mike?", the voice on the other end asked.

"This is Patrick", replied Patrick, "Can I help you?"

"Patrick", the voice said cheerfully, "I am calling to see about you, how you are. This is JC Chasez from NSYNC"

"JC?...from *NSYNC?!?", Patrick said, sitting bold upright in the bed, "Is this some kinda joke? Why would you be calling me, assuming you are JC?" JC giggled, "I have a letter here from your lover, Mike. He sent it to our fan mail address in Florida. He had it marked urgent and had sent it priority. That got the attention of the mail sorter who read it and passed it to our management, who then gave it to me....Whew...that was a long explanation!"

"A letter from Mike?", Patrick queried aloud, "Why did he write to you...and about me?"

"Patrick...", JC replied quietly, "Mike wrote us and asked if we could call and cheer you up, try to get your spirits up so that you can make your sister's wedding. The letter was very....moving."

"JC??", Patrick said worriedly as he heard JC start to cry.

"Patrick?", said another voice over the line, "This is Lance. JC kinda can't talk right now...he's kinda upset."

"Upset?!?", Patrick replied with concern, "Tell him I am sorry for whatever I said...tell him I do believe he's JC."

"Its not about that, Patrick.", Lance said quietly, "JC is upset over your situation and the letter kinda hit a soft spot on him."

"Oh....could you put him back on for a second, I wanna just tell him something.", Patrick asked politely.

The phone made a noise as it was passed from Lance back to JC. A stifled sob was heard and JC coughed lightly. "Hi"

"JC", Patrick began, "Did you ever wonder where the expression, "don't cry over spilled milk" came from?"

"No", JC said quietly, wondering where the conversation was leading.

"It's a old saying that farmers brought about when they milked their cows by hand. Not all the milk would always shoot into their buckets....some would spray into the hay around the bucket. Farmers knew that they got the majority of the milk in the bucket and to cry over what little didn't make it would be illogical.", Patrick said matter-of-factly. "You have millions of fans in the world. Every year, some die, but the majority remain."

JC began to cry again, "But....but you're not milk you dumbass!! You're young! You have a boyfriend that loves you! You should be able to live all your life with him. It's not right! It's just not fair!!"

The phone was abruptly taken away from JC, though his sobbing was still clearly audible in the background.

"Patrick", said yet another, more familiar voice, "This is Justin. I am really sorry about JC. We're supposed to be cheering you up and calling you a dumbass really isn't what we had in mind."

"No problem, Justin", Patrick replied with a small chuckle, "It took me a while to get past what JC is going through. I kept thinking how unfair it was...now it's just gonna happen. I know it and have come to handle it. Well...enough about my sickness, OK....lets just talk. How is the tour coming? I went to a concert last summer and it was AWESOME....even back in the lawn seats I had. Y'all are the best performers!"

"The new tour...its goin real well!", Justin said excitedly, "We have a great schedule....its not as hectic as the last one is and gives us a day, sometimes two between shows where we can rest up....and the extra rest really shows up. This concert will blow the last one away!"

"Wow...I hope I am up to seeing it when you guys get here!", Patrick said hopefully, "I thought the last one was da bomb!...if this one is tons better...I'll be really wowed!"

"Well...good thing you said that, Patrick", Justin chuckled, "As it happens, we will be performing in Columbus, Ohio, the day after your sister's wedding....and we were wondering if you wanted to come and see us?"

"Wow! REALLY?!?", Patrick said loudly, "I'd love to be there!"

"Cool!", Justin and another voice said just as loudly.

"Hey Patrick!", said the new voice, "This is Joey. I am psyched that you will be coming to see us. Just stay well OK...we wanna see you dancin' at the concert, man!"

"Well", Patrick laughed, "I dunno about that...but I will definitely try to stay strong enough to stand all through the concert and yell myself hoarse...that sound good?"

"HAHAHA!", Joey laughed loudly, "That sounds like a deal to me, man!"

"Patrick?", a new voice said quietly.

"Chris?", Patrick replied questioningly.

"How are ya doin? Really? You sure you're gonna be able to make it? We're all dying to see you, ya know? Oh...JEEZ, Patrick....just forget I said that, please!"

"Don't worry Chris", Patrick laughed, "I know it's a figure of speech. I am dying to see you guys too!!"

"Aww...Patrick", Chris sighed, "I am sorry.....really I am!"

"No problem.", Patrick said quickly, "Hey....Thank you guys so much for calling to see how I am and for inviting me. I am really psyched up that I get to see you in concert again. I chose your song to dance to with my sister at her wedding. It'll be cool to see you perform it live the next day."

"Hey Patrick...Lance wants to talk to you again real quick...hang on.", Chris said.

"Patrick? We were wondering if you were allowed to have some company with you at your sister's wedding?", Lance asked shyly.

"Yeah! You guys wanna come? It's supposed to be an informal ceremony, so the more the merrier!", Patrick said lightly.

"Awesome! This will give us a chance to hang out all together and meet your folks and sisters.", Lance said excitedly.

"Yeah. It should make for a memorable wedding, at least. Let's try to keep the press to a minimum though. I don't know how my sister would like the press and they might get my mom mad....and that would be a really BAD thing....cause she will remove them....physically, if need be. She's a tough old broad.", Patrick chuckled.

"Hey Patrick....its JC again.", JC stated, grabbing the phone from Lance. 'Are you sure its gonna be OK for us to come?"

"Yeah.", Patrick replied, "My sister is probably going to be really excited about it. She's a youth minister and likes your music a lot too, as do her younger charges. I just hope she can keep them under control. The less female hysterics, outside of the actual ceremony, the better."

"I agree with you there, man!", JC said with a laugh, "So....We'll see you in a few weeks, then, huh?"

"I will be there....with bells on.", Patrick laughed.

"Hmmm....", JC chuckled, "Bells....is that in fashion for weddings these days?"

As Patrick and JC giggled to each other, the door opened and Mike walked in and sat down on the bed too.

"Hey", Patrick said to JC, "Someone just came in that you probably wanna talk to....hang on, lemme put him on!"

Mike looked up at Patrick as he was handed the phone and mouthed "who is it?". Patrick just smiled and told him to say hello.

"Hello?", Mike said into the receiver.

"Hi Mike? This is JC Chasez from NSYNC. We got your letter. We were all really moved by it and so we decided to call today and talk with Patrick."

"JC! The letter!", Mike said excitedly, looking at Patrick, who was smiling from ear to ear. "I am so glad that it made it through to you guys."

"My managers gave it to me last week and after I stopped crying on it, I let the others read it. We all had the same reaction and knew that we needed to get in touch as soon as possible.", JC explained. "We invited Patrick and you to our show, which will be in Columbus the day after his sister's wedding. Patrick also invited us to his sister's wedding. Don't tell him, but we plan on singing that song for him live there when he and his sister have their dance."

"OH...that's awesome!", Mike said happily, as his eyes teared up. "This is so awesome...I am so glad I wrote that letter. You guys are really the best. I can't tell you how much this means...." Mike choked up for a second as he looked at Patrick sitting up on the bed, looking much improved.

"Don't think anything of it, Mike. We wouldn't want to be anywhere else.", JC stated calmly. "You just keep him healthy, OK? Me and the guys are all lookin' forward to seeing you both. Hey....we gotta go....But do me a favor, give Patrick a hug for me and tell him I didn't mean to call him a dumbass! I was just angry at the world because I don't think its right that he should be sick and dying. Tell him I wouldn't make a good farmer, because I would care about spilled milk, OK Mike?"

"Sure, JC", Mike said with a laugh at JC's cryptic remark, "I'll tell him! We both look forward to seeing you all too. See you in a few weeks. Bye!"

"Wow!", Mike said with a laugh, "I'll never make fun of your music again. Those guys are awesome!"

"Yeah. I can't believe they called me. That must have been some letter!", Patrick grinned.

"JC wanted to apologize for calling you a dumbass", Mike said, changing the subject away from the letter and back to the phone call, "He said he'd make a lousy farmer, cause he would care about spilled milk. What is that? Code? What does that mean?"

Patrick laughed and explained the conversation to Mike who also laughed. As Patrick finished up the story, the excitement of the day caught up with him and he was asleep before he could finish the story.

Mike covered Patrick up and kissed his forehead, then curled up beside him and took a nap.

Patrick was up at nine the next morning and the rest of the week, and continued to improve, looking even healthier each day than he did the previous day. Patrick began to gain back some of the weight he had lost and was back to taking walks around the house and yard. In two weeks time, he looked much recovered and
possessed of a great deal more vim, vigor and the will to live. At his weekly doctor's appointment, his viral load was down some 40% and his t-cell count had gained some major ground. The doctor, shocked by his sudden, almost miraculous improvement, prescribed a drug cocktail that would enhance his recovery further and really kick start his immune system.

Patrick was beside himself when a small box was delivered to him from Orlando. Inside were two front row seats to the show, two backstage passes to the Columbus NSYNC show. Along with the tickets was a note from JC expressing his and the groups excitement at seeing them in just a few days. In the p.s., JC had written his cell phone number and asked Patrick and Mike to call if they ever needed to talk or anything.

"Cool!", Patrick smiled, "I might call him and tell him how I have been doing. I'll tell him I might take Joey up on his offer of dancing at the concert!"

---

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