by Billy Burrew
Nick didn't want
to be there, sitting in the particularly uncomfortable
chairs on the set of the talk show that he and the
rest of the Backstreet Boys were currently guests
on. Nick looked out over the studio audience, making
doubly sure not to make eye contact again with the
guy interviewing them. Nick had already made that
mistake twice and had suffered dearly for it, having
to throw out some relatively pseudo-unrehearsed answers
in such a way that either the mob of adoring fans
thought was amusing and cute, or just inane and crazy.
He wasn't sure which of the two he had pulled off…but
Nick was sure that Kevin would address that point
in the verbal dressing down that he gave him after
the show, on the way back to the hotel.
Nick sighed deeply. He was
exhausted, mentally and physically. The group had
worked endlessly on recording and finishing up their
new album. Then they went "all-out" on a
worldwide promotion that took them around the globe
in just two days. Nick had seen himself drifting away
from the other guys before they even went into the
studio to start recording, but now he felt that he
had drifted so far he wasn't sure he would ever make
it back. To say the very least, not everything was
well in Backstreet Land.
It was a week before Christmas
and the tour was due to start very soon. The guys
were scheduled to be shipped off to an undisclosed
arena to practice their steps and their show for a
few weeks before their first performance. Nick looked
forward to have to stay and work non-stop with the
guys like any man would look forward to sticking a
red hot poker into his eye.
It wasn't as if he hated his
bandmates, far from it. It was just that he felt like
he wasn't part of their group anymore. Brian and Kevin
had gotten married this summer, AJ had his girlfriend
around, and Howie seemed to never be without some
companionship, whether it be family or friends. And
that left Nick as the odd man out.
In as far as his own private
life was concerned, his ex Mandah had split with Nick
a few months prior to the release of the new album.She
was one person Nick was happy to see completely out
of his life. Nick was not one to speak or even think
badly of his ex-girlfriends, but she was truly a bitch
on a class that he had never experienced before. Mandah
had wormed her way into his life and his career, then
turned into this Medusa, this terror, that scared
not only the rest of the guys, but himself at times.
Mandah was the first woman,
hell…the first person ever to hit Nick and get
away with it. Nick shook his head slightly as he remembered
how well and how often she did hit him. Nick had never
seen a woman who could punch, kick and claw like Mandah
did…and he had the scars on his back, cheek,
wrists and arms from their less than civil encounters
to prove it.
Nick finally saw the line drawn
in the sand after Mandah came to his house one night
when the guys were over and dragged him outside into
the yard in a fury. She broke his nose with one well-placed
punch that Nick had never seen coming. Brian was by
his side in an instant and both he and Nick were shocked
to see Leigh Anne run up behind Mandah, grab hold
of her hair and smash her face repeatedly into the
side of the house. After Leigh Anne had tenderized
Mandah to her liking, she tossed her into a car and
had security escort back to her own home with instructions
that she was never to return.
Brian took Nick to the hospital
where he registered under his Jive given pseudonym
and had his nose set. Brian sat on the side of the
bed as the doctor performed the procedure and held
Nick's hand, rubbing it as he assured Nick that everything
would be allright now and that the doctor would make
it all better. Nick was relatively surprised a week
later when the doctor pulled off the bandages and
Nick saw that there was no change in the way his nose
looked, despite the two black eyes he suffered from
the break.
After that episode, Nick pushed
everyone, including his friends and bandmates, out
of his life. He felt that he was nothing more than
a nuisance to them after what had happened that night
with Mandah. Nick felt that he wasn't able to handle
his own problems and that he was just causing the
guys more trouble and heartache than anything else.
On top of everything else,
Nick had begun to gain weight since Mandah had left
and he felt powerless to stop it. Nick's weight had
always been a constant bother to him, though he honestly
didn't see himself as fat…or even close to being
obese. On their previous concert tour, Nick had gained
about 15 lbs and though he had to have some of his
clothes let out and his costume re-fitted. Medically
speaking though, he still was still well within the
normal weight range for his height and build.
Jive had seen it differently
and had leaned on the entire staff of the tour to
monitor exactly what went into the youngest Backstreet
Boys' mouth. With that kind of babysitting, Nick had
quickly lost the added pounds and everyone had stopped
taking notice. The press and the fans still made a
point of bringing it up, much to Nick's embarrassment
every time it was mentioned publicly. Nick felt more
and more ashamed of his body and his inability to
look the way everyone expected him to. Nick tried
not to think of how everyone was gonna freak when
he wore something tight and all the weight that he
had put on over the past month or so suddenly became
a lot more evident.
Nick pulled himself out of
his reverie and realized that the interview was barely
half over and that it seemed to be dragging on for
an interminable amount of time. Nick looked over at
Brian, who was sitting two chairs down from him and
sighed as he saw Brian writing something on a tablet
in front of him. Brian must have sensed Nick's stare
because he looked up and nodded to him. Nick nodded
back and then dropped his head down away from Brian's
stare.
Nick remembered when Brian
would sit beside him during interviews and the two
would play hangman on Brian's notepad to pass some
of the time. It seemed like that too had stopped lately,
and the loss of those kind of little things made Nick
miss those early days. After Brian had gotten married,
Nick noticed that he saw less and less of his best
friend, who had taken to long days at home with his
wife when he could get them, or out on the golf course
or basketball court when he had any free time. Nick
sighed as he realized that his friend was married
now and didn't have time to sit and play nanny to
him anymore. He had more important things to look
out for now…and Nick was not one of them.
The more Nick thought of it,
the more he wished that he could drop out of band
and out of the public eye and save them any more of
his problems and drama. Nick was nothing but a problem,
at least, that is how he felt.
Nick's head popped up as he
heard his name mentioned and he plastered on the closest
thing he could muster to a smile and nodded.
Kevin hissed softly at him
and Nick realized that he should have been paying
a little more attention to the interview because he
had no idea what he was smiling and nodding at.
Howie jumped in and covered
for Nick and Nick let out his breath and nudged Howie
in thanks for the cover. Howie looked at Nick for
a second and Nick could tell that Howie was angry
behind his smile because of the look of his eyes.
Nick could always tell when the guys were angry with
him…each one had their individual way of showing
it. Kevin's was to yell or hiss or growl, AJ's was
to call him a "dumbass" or something like
that, Howie's was to throw an icy stare or a disdainful
head shake his way, and Brian's was just not talking
to him…or ignoring him until he cooled off and
forgot about what had made him angry in the first
place.
Right now, it seemed by the
array of angry vibes he was picking up on, Nick had
pissed off everyone…well, except for Brian, who's
head was still buried in his notepad, writing furiously.
Nick sighed and got up to stretch
when the interview was over and then asked the nearest
gaffer where the restroom was. Nick hurried off to
the bathroom while Kevin fumed at being denied his
sermon. Nick went into the bathroom and rushed to
the last stall, sitting down on the lid and putting
his head in his hands. As he sat there, a bunch of
kids came in and were talking.
"Aren't they awesome?!?"
"Yeah…well…except
Nick…is he like a space cadet today or what?"
Nick sighed and then sat still
as more voices spoke up.
"Brian is quiet today
too. I wonder if they're feeling OK?"
"I dunno....I think Nick
looks upset. I hope he's OK."
"How would you know?"
"I dunno...He just looked
upset...you know?"
Nick looked up and realized
the voice was coming from right in front of him and
that the young boy was standing at the sink a few
feet in front of his stall.
"You might be right. He
looks like he kinda gained some weight too….maybe
he is upset. If he is, I hope that he'll be OK too."
Nick sighed, wondering if he
really was so transparent or if the kids in the bathroom
were just exceptionally bright.
"Wasn't that cool of Brian
tho…telling everyone that he had been sitting
there writing a letter to Santa Claus."
Nick's head shot up and his
single thought was so loud it was almost audible.
'WHAT?!'
"Yeah. That's pretty cool.
I wonder if it's for real…or if he's just writing
a song…or playing hangman or something so he
doesn't have to answer as many questions."
Nick suppressed a knowing giggle
as the kids headed out of the bathroom. After they
left, he got up and headed out himself.
Kevin grabbed him three feet
away from the bathroom and quickly ushered him out
to the waiting limousine.
"Where were you?"
"In the bathroom."
"NO…In the interview….you
certainly weren't with the rest of us in the interview.
Jeez Nick…you looked like you didn't even care!"
Nick put his head down and
sighed and remained quiet as he listened to Kevin's
sermon in the limousine and was never so happy to
see a hotel as he was when they arrived at the one
where they were staying.
Nick walked to the first elevator
and smiled as Brian got on and immediately hit the
close door button and the elevator took the two of
them to their floor.
"I think Kevin needs to
retire and become a preacher."
Nick laughed in spite of himself.
He had never heard Brian crack on his cousin and it
was pretty funny.
"Yeah. He missed his calling.
But I hear that there's always openings at those "snake
handlin'-holy roller" churches for a man with
his mouth...er...his talents."
Brian laughed and nodded. "Mmmm...I'll
have to start leaving brochures for him to read on
that."
Nick giggled as the doors opened
to their floor. The two men made their way quietly
down the hall to the bank of rooms that they had reserved.
Nick was unlocking his door when he heard Brian clear
his voice from behind him.
"Like some company?"
Nick nodded and opened the
door and waved Brian in. Brian smiled and walked into
the room.
Brian sat down on the bed and
smiled as Nick sat down on the opposite side of the
bed and held up the remote.
"Wanna watch TV?"
Brian shook his head and looked
at Nick with concern.
"Are you OK, Nick?"
Nick looked over at Brian and
met his gaze.
"Yeah…I guess so."
Brian shook his head.
"You never used to lie
to me. Why start now?"
Nick closed his eyes and let
out his breath.
"Well…I guess I just
don't know. I feel like I'm holding everyone back,
Brian. I feel like a bother...a pest. That everyone
still has to baby me, like they always used to when
we first started. I can't even deal with my own problems
and I just think the group would be better off without
me."
Brian's eyes widened.
"What? Why do you think
that? Because of today? Because of Mandah?"
Nick shrugged.
Brian held out his hand and
grabbed Nick's and held onto it tight.
"Frack. You're not a bother
to us and you never hold us back. We're a team. We
can't work without you. We need you now just as much
as we ever did. And as for Mandah…she didn't
really love you, did she? If she did, she wouldn't
have tried to hurt you…" Brian said, then
smiled and attempted to lighten the mood, "or
dent the side of your house with her face. Yow! That
had to have hurt!"
Nick giggled. "There's
this oily splotch there…on the side of the house
that's the shape of her face…it's like the Shroud
of Turin…only not as old…I wonder if people
will think it's a religious artifact 2000 years from
now."
Brian snorted. "If it's
her face, it's pretty doubtful. But Nick...don't shut
me out. I'm not mad at you, Frack. I just feel like
I am losing touch with you...with someone I really
care about."
Nick looked at Brian and his
lip began to quiver.
"But you have your own
family now Brian, You don't need to be babysitting
me anymore."
Brian looked down at Nick and
shook his head.
"I've never had to babysit
you, Nick. When we hung out, it's always because we're
friends and because I enjoy being around you. I thought
you knew that."
Brian got up off the bed and
sighed then shook his head and walked out the door
and across the hall, back to his own room.
Nick sat there, stunned and
upset by Brian's words, realizing that he'd been wrong.
Instead of dealing with his problems and moving on
with his life with the help of his friends, he had
mired himself, wallowing in his own pain and self
pity. And, in doing so, he had pushed away his one
chance for help, his best friend and he had hurt him
deeply in doing so. Nick sighed and looked up to see
Brian's notepad sitting on the nightstand by the bed.
"I wonder if he really
was writing a letter to Santa." Nick thought
as he grabbed the pad and flipped up the cover sheet.
Nick smiled as he recognized
an unfinished hangman game and some of Brian's doodling.Nick
turned to the next page and scanned the text and gasped
as the words registered in his mind. This was the
letter Brian had said he was writing...it was to Santa
Claus...and it was about him.
Dear Santa-
I know a lot of people
think that, at 25, I am too old to believe in Santa
Claus. I even thought I had outgrown you until about
7 years ago. About 7 years ago, at Christmas, you
gave me the best present ever and that's when I started
to believe in you again.
The group had just started
coming together and I felt really out of place. I
felt like I didn't belong and that's when I met Nick.
Nick was this cool kid with this amazing voice and
he and I got to talking and next thing I knew we became
friends and all the feelings I had about not fitting
in went away. Then, while singing and touring, we
just hung out so much that we became the best of friends.
Nick and I became so close that I began to consider
him a part of my family, my brother...my Frack.
Santa, you gave me the
best present that Christmas when you gave me my best
friend Nick, and I don't know what I did to deserve
being friends with such a great guy.
A few years ago, when
I had to have my heart surgery, Kevin said that Nick
sat by my bed for hours after I got out of the Operating
Room, just sitting with me until I woke up. I kinda
remember hearing him talk as I came to, tho I can't
remember everything he said because of the drugs they
gave me…but I do remember hearing him prayin'
for me and asking God that I be OK…that I live.
I knew then that I just
wanted to get through the recovery just so that I
could stick around with Nick because he's really special
to me. So special that I sometimes wish the rest of
the world could know him like I know him. And that
they could love him like I love him. He's the best
friend I've ever had. I love him so much that I'd
be lost if anything ever happened to him…or to
our friendship.
But now, Santa, it seems
that I've done something wrong…That I've taken
a wrong turn, because Nick is moving away from me.
He and I don't talk or hang out much anymore, and
I've noticed that since he broke up with that psycho
Mandah girl, he doesn't like to be around me. He doesn't
say it in so many words, but I can tell in his eyes…like
just now as I write you this letter. I just looked
up and our eyes met and I nodded at him and he just
looked away like he didn't want to see me.
I don't know what I'd
do if he ever left me or the group.
Santa, I don't know what
to do to make things go back to being the way they
were between us. I don't know what to say to him to
make him want to talk to me or hang out with me anymore.
But Santa, that's all
I want…really.
I want my best friend…my
brother, my Frack back the way he was.
I want things back the way they were between all the
guys.
I just want Nick to be OK again.
-Brian Littrell
Nick's face was wet with tears
as he finished the letter and he heard a noise from
the hall and turned to see Brian as he walked into
the room.
"Nick? Have you seen my
notebook? Oh...Frack? Are you OK?"
Nick nodded and got up off
the bed and walked over to Brian and grabbed him into
a tight hug. Nick let go and handed him his notepad,
still open to the letter.
"I'm sorry I acted the
way I did, Brian…I just didn't think anyone cared…that
I had just become a problem to you guys and that you'd
all be better off without me."
Brian moved to protest but
Nick grabbed him into another fierce hug.
"I love you too, Frick.
I'm so sorry that I closed up on you and pushed you
away. I hurt you and I won't ever do that again."
Brian pulled back from Nick
and looked down at the letter on his notepad as it
fell out of his hand and onto the bed and he smiled
as he felt his own tears fall down his cheeks. Brian
looked up as if to the heavens and smiled widely.
"Thank you, Santa Claus!"
The End
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